One day about a month ago I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a godless universe, I didn’t want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, at the time, I’m gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I’m wrong? What if there is a God? I mean, after all, nobody really knows that. Then I thought, no, you know, maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger had squeezed the trigger inadvertently. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. Suddenly neighbors were, were pounding on the door, and I dunno, the whole scene was just pandemonium. And, you know, I ran to the door, I-I didn’t know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused and my mind was racing a mile a minute. And I just knew one thing. I-I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and clear my head. And I remember very clearly, I walked the streets, I walked and I walked. I didn’t know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and unreal to me. And I wandered for a long time on the upper West Side, you know, and it must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding, and I had to sit down. I went into a movie house. I didn’t know what was playing or anything. I just, I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. … And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and, you know, the movie was a film that I’d seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. And, you know, I’m watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film, you know. And I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself, I mean isn’t it so stupid? I mean, look at all the people up there on the screen. You know, they’re real funny, and what if the worst is true. What if there is no God and you only go around once and that’s it. Well, you know, don’t you wanna be part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it’s not all a drag. And I’m thinkin’ to myself, Jeez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after who knows, I mean, you know, maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that’s the best we have. And then, I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself.
Hannah and Her Sisters, Mickey Sachs