Speaking of Witch, Stevens James/Janet

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Play Speaking of Witch
Author Buisman Chad
Role Stevens James/Janet

I HATE english. Don’t get me wrong, english is fun and it inspires the future generation and all that bull crap, but honestly, I HATE it so much. Which is why when I came to school all innocent, like “Look at me, it’s september blahblahblah,” I was terrified to find that I had english first period, first semester. Like WHO DOES THAT? Some evil old guidance counsellor who takes pleasure in ruining lives? To top it all off, was my teacher. I was in Ms. Brown’s class. Talk about the devil! One time, my friend Shanique was getting her essay proof-read, and Ms. Brown assumed she was getting someone to write her essay FOR her and failed her on the spot! Like, what the hell?

Anyways, I needed a good grade to get into law school, so I had to resort to rock bottom: Seduction. Not like, “Come into my bed,” seduction. But like, “Hey I made you brownies,” style. So the first day came, I cooked her a batch of cookies in her favorite style. I work at the Coffee Shop, and I remember her coming through and ordering peanut butter cookies from us, so I made her a batch of the best freaking PB cookies ever. Little did I know she was allergic to peanuts. Like come on! Aren’t there supposed to be posters and bracelets and stuff for people who are allergic? How am I supposed to know that she would have a reaction?

And that, your honor, is why I am innocent. I did not purposely try to kill Ms. Brown. It was just a series of really sad events. In fact, I regret ever even making those cookies.

(Under their breath) Especially because I wasted a whole bottle of rat poison in them.

Posted in Author, Comedic Female Monologues, Comedic Male Monologues, Monologues for Kids, Play, Quotes and One Liners, Role | Tagged , , , ,

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